learn to be lonely

One thing I love about having this new blog is the thought that none of my friends and family know about its existence...well unless stalking runs in my family and some of my friends love me so much that they google me to check whether I have other blogs...I'd be totally flattered if that's the case...hehehe!

I miss writing without having to edit myself for fear of being misunderstood or judged by the people who know me. I like that I can be brutally honest about what I think and how I feel...so I will be...

I regularly use the "message from God" app on FB. I know...instead of relying on an app that randomly picks a message that God's supposed to relay to me daily I should spend my time reading His word....sometimes it's reassuring to get those messages. Well today it said that God wants to remind me that I'm never alone. It's so ironic how getting that message made me feel more alone. I know..I'm sure it's the enemy trying to mess with me...making me think I'm alone...but he ain't gonna fool me. I know for a fact that I'm never alone. I've never been alone and never will be alone because God has always got my back...but there are those special times when it can get to me.

These past few days, my sisters and I have been talking about the future and how we need to secure our parents' future in their old age...it has got me thinking. What about me? What's gonna happen to me in the future. My elder sister has her own family...my baby sis has hers too...how about me? What's gonna happen to me? I know...it's not good to be so fatalistic about this...I should have more faith that God has my future on His mind...but I can't help but think about it.

I used to be idealistic. In the past...though I've never really experienced what it's like to have someone who loves me I've always believed that I will experience it in the future. I believed that the time will come...with the right person...and the meeting will be magical, the relationship, more so...but now I'm more realistic. I know that life is no fairy tale...that even the best looking and nicest person may get his/her heart broken...that even the right person may do you wrong. I know that in this world there are those who never find love...and there's a possibility that I'm gonna be one of them. I may never have a husband...kids...grand kids...I may have to live alone all my life.

Could this be why God made me this tough? It's because He's thinking I'm better off alone? I know I won't have the answer now. I have to admit that as time passes by I'm getting more convinced that I'm right...that there is no one in this world who's capable of loving me..that my sole purpose in life is to just give all I can without expecting anything in return...that I'm gonna have to stop looking for help from others because no one is coming....I'm gonna have to take care of myself. I know I should know better and trust that God knows what's best...but there are days when it's just hard to believe that...