There will be light...

When our long night is done...there will be light- Light (Next to Normal) 

I saw the musical Next to Normal last Sunday and it was awesome. The actors were amazing...the music was beautiful...the set and lighting were just brilliant but the play by itself is beyond great. The last time I was moved that way by something I saw on stage was when I saw The Crucible with my sister several years ago (to think that I actually saw WICKED in the US just last year). I knew I would be moved to tears but I didn't anticipate that it would have such a strong impact on me...until now, I catch myself shedding tears recalling some of the lines from the play. 

I suppose what makes this play really powerful is its bold portrayal of life...how it can be so f*cked up at times (or most of the time) and how it may not always have a happy ending....however it ends with a hopeful reminder that sooner or later..there will be light.

movies and books

I saw some parts of a couple of interesting movies last weekend: The Young Victoria and Julie and Julia. both of these movies had really great reviews the year they came out but unfortunately I didn't get to see them. It's a good thing they're now shoing them on Star Movies and HBO.

Aside from finding both movies quite empowering, there's another thing I realized...I want to be Emily Blunt and Amy Adams (not at the same time...hehehe!). I know that these past few days I've been talking about how I want to be Jennifer Lopez...hahaha...but there's something about Emily and Amy's effortless beauty that makes them irresistible to men and inspiring to women.






There's one thing that has been keeping me busy these days...READING. It's not very often that I really invest much time on reading, I'm probably the only literature major in the world who doesn't read much :p so when I do decide to invest much time (and actually much money) on reading a book it just means that it's really good (or I'm sick :P).

The Alchemyst by Michael Scott is a really good read. I know it's a young adult book and I know you'd expect much more from a 32 year old literature major...hahaha..just be happy that I'm reading. What I found interesting about this book is how it was able to combine science and magic, history and mythology and it didn't hurt that it's also action packed...it's the perfect formula for readers who have ADD...like me. I'm already done with the first book...there are three other books. I'll be done with the second one in a while and I can't wait to get the third one.

confessions

I've got a confession. On Friday nights, on my way from my office building to the parking lot, somewhere in the back of my mind I desperately wish I'd find you sitting by the fountain, waiting for me. I know it's crazy...it kinda reinforces my suspicion that my mind is most probably wrong in different places...but I can't help it. I know I said before that this won't be a place where I'll be whining and moaning about you but once or twice a quarter would probably be acceptable.

In case you're wondering why I don't bug you as often as I used to do before and how I seem to no longer care whether you're around or not, well it's not because I've stopped loving you, I've simple learned to leave things be. Things haven't changed: I still love you....you still don't love me. I suppose what has changed is that I've stopped blaming myself for being in this situation. There's nothing wrong with me, it's you who's got some issues to figure out.

It has been quite easy for me to blame myself. It's easier to say that I'm not skinny enough...tall enough...fair enough...or perhaps my hair's not straight enough for you to love me. Though I appear to be self-deprecating it actually gives me more hope thinking that perhaps if I lose weight or I moisturize enough or perhaps if I buy myself some long, black, straight and shiny hair you'd finally love me, but that's not how it is. I suppose there are just some things about you that I'm still scared to accept may be true. Perhaps it'd just hurt more to accept that you simply cannot love me.

I suppose tonight I can finally accept it...you can't love me.

ps: know that I still love you...

...

I'm once again haunted by the terrifying thought of growing old alone :(

...

Mas makabubuti kung matutunan kong mawalan ng pakiaalam sa iniisip nga tao sa akin.

Mas makabubuti kung hindi ako mag-aalala sa problema nang may problema.

Mas makabubuti kung matutunan kong tanggapin ang kung ano ang meron ako ngayon.

Mas makabubuti kung hindi ako maghahanap ng mga bagay na wala.

Mas makabubuti kung matutunan kong mahalin ang sarili ko.

Mas makabubuti kung hindi ako umasang may magmahal sa akin na ibang tao.

Mas makabubuti kung matutunan kong maging masayang mag-isa.

of French films and video games

Why do French films always seem cooler than other types of films? I just finished watching A Very Long Engagement which is a Very Long Movie :P

I saw this movie when it was shown in 2004 and all I remember about that viewing was how I thought it was a very long movie. At 25, I was pretentious. I decided to see that film with a couple of colleagues who didn't tell me that they've already seen the movie before...so just imagine how much more longer it felt for them. One left before the movie ended and the other dozed off during the movie...while I pretend to be really engaged in the film. After seeing the movie again last night, I realized how dim witted I was at 25...hahaha! It is just now that I got to really appreciate how brilliant the plot was...how all the sub-plots came together to lead you to one of the most feel good movie endings I've ever seen. It was wonderful how I felt my heart get warm after Mathilde read Germain Pire's letter saying "He's alive." It's just now that I really got to enjoy how parts of the movie were narrated. I don't even remember seeing Jodie Foster the first time I saw the movie...hahaha! I suppose the best thing about seeing the movie the second time is that this time, it didn't actually seem that long ^.^

It's crazy how 7 years ago feels so long ago. I feel like an entirely different person. I'm not really sure whether it's actually a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose life's like this...you just keep on changing...not changing could only mean you're no longer living. We go through life wishing for things...hoping to be this and that ...thinking that once you get it or you become what you thought you need to be you'd finally be content only to find out that there'll be new things to want and new things to be...then you go through yet another quest. The thing with me is that it seems like I've been moving from one quest to another without really finding what I need to find. I guess that makes me kinda like Mario on Mario Bros...always completing each level (of course except the last one) a few seconds too late. It feels like I'm always given a glimpse of what I can have only to end up still not getting it. Though it's kinda pathetic how I'm comparing myself to Mario (shouldn't I be the Princess???) I suppose I should know better...that in each quest there are things to learn...that after each level Mario gains new powers...that each time it seems like he's about to run out of life a green mushroom is strategically placed where he needs it the most...and in the end he kills the dragon and saves the princess. I guess I can pitch this idea to Nintendo...a girl power version of Mario Bros. where Princess Peach gets to save Mario and Luigi from Koopa :P

Imma be....

After listening to a new Christian band I encountered, my desire to learn how to play the cello came back. Two years ago, I planned on buying a cello and learning how to play it, however I opted to get a DSLR instead :P. Now, the urge is back. A friend of mine has been bugging me as to when I'll finally buy a cello 'cause a friend of his is volunteering to give me lessons...so now all I really need to fulfill my dream is to get a cello :POf course, I'm not sure whether I'll ever learn how to play it but at least I would like to try. Perhaps I can try and get lessons first...try and get a feel of the instrument and see whether it's for me...if it is then I'm definitely gonna have to get myself a cello.


Aside from getting a cello and learning how to play it, there are just so many things I want to do right now. Methinks I gotta plan my life and figure out how I'm gonna be able to do all these things ^.^ and perhaps more importantly...I gotta work harder to earn enough to fulfill these dreams *^.^*

buy a cello and learn to play it

buy a bike and learn how to ride it

learn to speak French

write some songs

visit Cambodia

visit South Korea

learn to be lonely

One thing I love about having this new blog is the thought that none of my friends and family know about its existence...well unless stalking runs in my family and some of my friends love me so much that they google me to check whether I have other blogs...I'd be totally flattered if that's the case...hehehe!

I miss writing without having to edit myself for fear of being misunderstood or judged by the people who know me. I like that I can be brutally honest about what I think and how I feel...so I will be...

I regularly use the "message from God" app on FB. I know...instead of relying on an app that randomly picks a message that God's supposed to relay to me daily I should spend my time reading His word....sometimes it's reassuring to get those messages. Well today it said that God wants to remind me that I'm never alone. It's so ironic how getting that message made me feel more alone. I know..I'm sure it's the enemy trying to mess with me...making me think I'm alone...but he ain't gonna fool me. I know for a fact that I'm never alone. I've never been alone and never will be alone because God has always got my back...but there are those special times when it can get to me.

These past few days, my sisters and I have been talking about the future and how we need to secure our parents' future in their old age...it has got me thinking. What about me? What's gonna happen to me in the future. My elder sister has her own family...my baby sis has hers too...how about me? What's gonna happen to me? I know...it's not good to be so fatalistic about this...I should have more faith that God has my future on His mind...but I can't help but think about it.

I used to be idealistic. In the past...though I've never really experienced what it's like to have someone who loves me I've always believed that I will experience it in the future. I believed that the time will come...with the right person...and the meeting will be magical, the relationship, more so...but now I'm more realistic. I know that life is no fairy tale...that even the best looking and nicest person may get his/her heart broken...that even the right person may do you wrong. I know that in this world there are those who never find love...and there's a possibility that I'm gonna be one of them. I may never have a husband...kids...grand kids...I may have to live alone all my life.

Could this be why God made me this tough? It's because He's thinking I'm better off alone? I know I won't have the answer now. I have to admit that as time passes by I'm getting more convinced that I'm right...that there is no one in this world who's capable of loving me..that my sole purpose in life is to just give all I can without expecting anything in return...that I'm gonna have to stop looking for help from others because no one is coming....I'm gonna have to take care of myself. I know I should know better and trust that God knows what's best...but there are days when it's just hard to believe that...

an open letter

Dear You,

How are you? It's kinda hard to tell how you're doing lately. I used to read you well, but now it's not that easy. It's either you've gotten better at hiding your feelings or I've become less sensitive when it comes to you.

I think it's interesting how we've changed...how from friends we've become strangers only to go back to being acquaintances. It's weird...it's like we're going in circles.

Lately I've been wondering whether I still love you. I've been trying to convince myself that I don't love you anymore and that couldn't care less about you, but who am I fooling? The thing is I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. Perhaps not the way I used to...perhaps I no longer drive myself crazy thinking about you and whether you would love me back...but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you. I supposed I've actually learned to love you even more to the point that I no longer care whether you will ever love me back.

I know things will never turn out to be how I thought it would...but I hope you know that I'll always have your back.

lazy Thursday

Magkailaw man madilim pa rin
magkailaw man madilim pa rin kung wala na, kung wala ka- Kandila (Sugarfree)

These lines have been playing over and over in my head. It's interesting how their songs bring back memories...even those that never really existed hahaha! It's interesting how they evoke all these emotions...these pains of break-ups (that I've never really had before) and the thrill of new found loves. I suppose that's a sign of a good song writer...one who has the ability to make the listeners feel as if the song they're listening to was about them and was written especially for them...hehehe!

It's been a while since I last wrote about my heart. I have to admit that even I do not really know what's going on with my heart. I haven't been feeling much lately. I suppose it's a good thing...life is usually less complicated when I feel less...less complications=less crazy moments *^.^*

Well feeling less doesn't mean I've gone heartless. I'm pretty sure I'm still the same girl who is usually all heart...I suppose my heart has just found a way to be finally be in sync with my brain. I know there's something wonderful out there waiting for me...or should I say...there's "someone" wonderful out there waiting for me, but I've made up my mind that I'll only give my heart to someone who loves me more than I love him. I remember telling a friend of mine before that I would rather be with someone who may not love me much but I'm deeply in love with than be with someone who may love me immensely but I'm not deeply in love with...well I've changed my mind. I'm special and I deserve only the best. I won't be giving my heart away just to anybody...he's gonna have to earn it.

Sugar(free) High

I have been meaning to write an entry but I've been too exhausted to actually articulate what I want to write about...but now after 2 consecutive nights of undisturbed and peaceful 8 hour slumbers, I am now ready to write...I think :P

Last weekend, we successfully pulled off our instant Post-Vday concert. Our initial objective was to make everybody feel loved and I think we were successful in doing that. A few days before the event I told myself that it would be the last time I'll volunteer to do something like that...perhaps next year...I'll be taking those words back :P

Early last month I remember talking to someone on facebook about which of Sugarfree's farewell bar gigs will I go to. I said I wouldn't want to watch them with the yuppies in Makati or the conyo kids along Katipunan. I said I wanted to watch them with the "iskolars ng bayan." Well, I was never meant to watch them with the yuppies in Makati...nor with the "iskolars ng bayan" at the Sunken Garden...I was meant to watch them with all of their fans...the yuppies and scholars alike...the "conyos" and "jologs"...young and and not so young...under the pouring rain in Eastwood. I was meant to have a cool story about how I ended up soaking wet for jumping up and down while singing to Sugarfree's songs at the top of my lungs...in the freakin' rain. I may have not heard all of the songs that they played because I was stuck at work until 10:45...but I heard the ones that have defined them as a band...I heard parts of Hari ng Sablay, I heard Unang Araw, Kwarto, Mariposa, Tulog Na and Burnout. I admit that I regret passing up on all those opportunities that came my way to watch them perform in the past...but I am really grateful that I was given the chance to say goodbye to them last night...Paalam Sugarfree at salamat sa Musika.