into the woods

'Will be going to one of my most favorite places in the world...Purefoods Corp. Flour mill in Mabini, Batangas :P I know it's weird we're going to a flour mill...haha...well we're not staying at the flour mill...we'll be staying at the villa by the flour mill :P 

We've been going to this villa since I was in college I think...or maybe even before that. This morning, while having breakfast with Leeron and Zeth, they talked about how much they love this place and how they wish they could live there for good. I find it interesting how my nephews fell in love with this place the same way my sisters and I did when we were young :D

This past week wasn't very peachy for me...I'm sorry to admit that I wasn't pleasant to be around at all (I feel really bad for my students who had to deal with their cranky teacher) I really hope that the fresh air, the sea and the good food will help me bring back "nice" me soon.

I wanna be Natalie Portman

Alice: What would my euphemism be?
Dan: Disarming
Alice: That's not a euphemism.
Dan: Yes it is
                                                   Closer


I was just watching bits and pieces of this movie a few hours ago but I decided not to watch the entire film. It didn't sound like a very good idea for me to watch it. Watching it may give me some wrong ideas: ideas like "Dysfunctional relationships are romantic"..."tragedy is romantic"..."stripping is cool." :P It won't be long I'll start wishing I were Natalie Portman and that Jude Law thinks I'm disarming :P

Going back to the lines...I just thought the idea of obituary writers using euphemisms in their write ups about dead people was interesting. It got me thinking...

"What would my euphemism be?"

Sarah was passionate and dedicated to her causes(meaning obsessive and stubborn).She was a very thoughtful person (a pest)  People described her as accommodating and considerate of others (euphemisms for easy and stupid). To her last breath she remained idealistic and she kept her faith in the goodness of humanity (weak and naive). 

confessions

Dear You,

I have to say that I'm quite happy to see bits and pieces of what WE used to be these past few weeks, but of course I still know better to not get all giddy and excited over these silly things.

I miss you. I miss being comfortable around you. I miss not having to always be careful with the words I say to you. I miss driving around with you. I miss knowing for sure that you are happy when you're with me.

Still got no expectations...just missing you...

Sasa

holy week reflections

Holy week looked very different this year. Well okay, since the dawn of cable t.v. here in the Philippines a lot has really changed in the way people observe holy week here in the Philippines..we're no longer stuck with the usual T.V. channels showing the same old religious movies and documentaries year after year after year after year....gone are the days when kids would get so bored to dead because everything stops as soon as the clock strikes three...but this year a lot has really changed.

When I went out to attend our church's Good Friday service, I was expecting the streets to be empty and the restaurants and fast food chains closed in the observance of that holy day but to my (pleasant) surprise most of the restaurants I passed by along the way were open and all of them were filled with people who were obviously not abstaining from meat on that day...hehehe!

I suppose we can look at these changes from two points of view: they can be seen as positive changes seeing how people are starting to realize that it is not through our sacrifice that we are saved because the sacrifice has already been made on the cross; then they can also be seen as negative changes seeing how this period is now only seen as a period of rest from work or school and no longer a special day of remembering Christ's sacrifice. 

Well, I'm in no position to judge people...perhaps the people who saw me buying dimsum on my way home were also thinking the same things about me (dimsum on Good Friday??? hahahaha!)...but I really hope that things are starting to become clearer now for more people...that the Lenten Season is not a season for mourning...it is the season for remembering Christ's Victory over death and a season of celebration for our Salvation. 

Happy Easter everyone!!!!

Rules of Engagement

You know what...I still don't get it. So we're still on at our game of hide-and-seek?? or is it tug-of-war? Just for the record, I am reconnecting with you thinking that we can finally be normal friends, but with the way you're acting...you're confusing me again.

So let's set the rules straight...

• we only talk every other day
• on days we can't talk, we're also not allowed to send sms even if they're urgent
• on weekends we are allowed to spend some time together but once we've spent too much time together we need to go through a period of silence and cold treatment
• our conversations, the things we do are not open to any other interpretations
• there should be no reading between the lines and making assumptions
• "We" are what "We" are and there is no need for labels.

intimidated...

You intimidate me. I don't easily get scared. I've managed to handle conversations with my students who are doctors and lawyers...high ranking executives in European companies and scientists with PhD's but I was really intimidated during our 1 hour drive together that Saturday afternoon. I was worried I might have sounded really stupid for not being able to respond coherently to all those things you told me about nuclear physics, history and politics. I bet you miss her in times like those...when you want to have intelligent conversations...

Dear old friend...

Dear old friend,

I know this is long overdue...actually I never thought I'd be writing to you at this point in my life. We were friends when I was still young and stupid...when I was clueless about everything...it's just funny how things started making sense just now...after more than 10 years...it's pathetic huh?

You'll probably never read this letter which is okay 'cause it's not really for you I guess...I'm writing for myself...to shed some light to some things I find difficult to face.

The reason why we never were was because I never really believed we could ever be. You liked me when I didn't really think anyone could like me. When you were doing all those nice things...I thought you were doing them simply because you were nice...I didn't think you liked me.

I can still remember that day when I was sitting at the steps and you came and told me that you've got something for me for my birthday. You went to your car...it took a while for you to return but when you came back you handed me an origami box. I opened it and inside was a Winnie the pooh sign pen and a couple of Juwan Howard and Chris Webber basketball cards. I thought you did that to all of your friends...but our friends said you only did it for me.

The other day I discovered that the other girl you did that for was the girl you married. You also folded paper flowers for her...would I sound bitter if I say that you did it first for me? hahaha! I'm writing this not because I'm bitter or I want you back or something...in fact I never really admitted I was ever attracted to you...but for the record I was hahaha! You treated me like a lady when I myself couldn't see myself as a lady...but I'm pretty sure that you're meant to be with your wife...I don't think I'll be good for you.

I suppose I'm writing this to admit to myself that perhaps one reason why I still haven't found love is because I don't believe I deserve love. I find it hard to believe that any man could bring himself to love someone like me. It doesn't help that though there may have been some men who may have been attracted to me, no one has ever really told me they liked me. So how would you expect a 32 year old woman who's never heard anybody tell her he's attracted to her think she's attractive?

I'm not expecting answers...

Sarah

There will be light...

When our long night is done...there will be light- Light (Next to Normal) 

I saw the musical Next to Normal last Sunday and it was awesome. The actors were amazing...the music was beautiful...the set and lighting were just brilliant but the play by itself is beyond great. The last time I was moved that way by something I saw on stage was when I saw The Crucible with my sister several years ago (to think that I actually saw WICKED in the US just last year). I knew I would be moved to tears but I didn't anticipate that it would have such a strong impact on me...until now, I catch myself shedding tears recalling some of the lines from the play. 

I suppose what makes this play really powerful is its bold portrayal of life...how it can be so f*cked up at times (or most of the time) and how it may not always have a happy ending....however it ends with a hopeful reminder that sooner or later..there will be light.

movies and books

I saw some parts of a couple of interesting movies last weekend: The Young Victoria and Julie and Julia. both of these movies had really great reviews the year they came out but unfortunately I didn't get to see them. It's a good thing they're now shoing them on Star Movies and HBO.

Aside from finding both movies quite empowering, there's another thing I realized...I want to be Emily Blunt and Amy Adams (not at the same time...hehehe!). I know that these past few days I've been talking about how I want to be Jennifer Lopez...hahaha...but there's something about Emily and Amy's effortless beauty that makes them irresistible to men and inspiring to women.






There's one thing that has been keeping me busy these days...READING. It's not very often that I really invest much time on reading, I'm probably the only literature major in the world who doesn't read much :p so when I do decide to invest much time (and actually much money) on reading a book it just means that it's really good (or I'm sick :P).

The Alchemyst by Michael Scott is a really good read. I know it's a young adult book and I know you'd expect much more from a 32 year old literature major...hahaha..just be happy that I'm reading. What I found interesting about this book is how it was able to combine science and magic, history and mythology and it didn't hurt that it's also action packed...it's the perfect formula for readers who have ADD...like me. I'm already done with the first book...there are three other books. I'll be done with the second one in a while and I can't wait to get the third one.

confessions

I've got a confession. On Friday nights, on my way from my office building to the parking lot, somewhere in the back of my mind I desperately wish I'd find you sitting by the fountain, waiting for me. I know it's crazy...it kinda reinforces my suspicion that my mind is most probably wrong in different places...but I can't help it. I know I said before that this won't be a place where I'll be whining and moaning about you but once or twice a quarter would probably be acceptable.

In case you're wondering why I don't bug you as often as I used to do before and how I seem to no longer care whether you're around or not, well it's not because I've stopped loving you, I've simple learned to leave things be. Things haven't changed: I still love you....you still don't love me. I suppose what has changed is that I've stopped blaming myself for being in this situation. There's nothing wrong with me, it's you who's got some issues to figure out.

It has been quite easy for me to blame myself. It's easier to say that I'm not skinny enough...tall enough...fair enough...or perhaps my hair's not straight enough for you to love me. Though I appear to be self-deprecating it actually gives me more hope thinking that perhaps if I lose weight or I moisturize enough or perhaps if I buy myself some long, black, straight and shiny hair you'd finally love me, but that's not how it is. I suppose there are just some things about you that I'm still scared to accept may be true. Perhaps it'd just hurt more to accept that you simply cannot love me.

I suppose tonight I can finally accept it...you can't love me.

ps: know that I still love you...

...

I'm once again haunted by the terrifying thought of growing old alone :(

...

Mas makabubuti kung matutunan kong mawalan ng pakiaalam sa iniisip nga tao sa akin.

Mas makabubuti kung hindi ako mag-aalala sa problema nang may problema.

Mas makabubuti kung matutunan kong tanggapin ang kung ano ang meron ako ngayon.

Mas makabubuti kung hindi ako maghahanap ng mga bagay na wala.

Mas makabubuti kung matutunan kong mahalin ang sarili ko.

Mas makabubuti kung hindi ako umasang may magmahal sa akin na ibang tao.

Mas makabubuti kung matutunan kong maging masayang mag-isa.

of French films and video games

Why do French films always seem cooler than other types of films? I just finished watching A Very Long Engagement which is a Very Long Movie :P

I saw this movie when it was shown in 2004 and all I remember about that viewing was how I thought it was a very long movie. At 25, I was pretentious. I decided to see that film with a couple of colleagues who didn't tell me that they've already seen the movie before...so just imagine how much more longer it felt for them. One left before the movie ended and the other dozed off during the movie...while I pretend to be really engaged in the film. After seeing the movie again last night, I realized how dim witted I was at 25...hahaha! It is just now that I got to really appreciate how brilliant the plot was...how all the sub-plots came together to lead you to one of the most feel good movie endings I've ever seen. It was wonderful how I felt my heart get warm after Mathilde read Germain Pire's letter saying "He's alive." It's just now that I really got to enjoy how parts of the movie were narrated. I don't even remember seeing Jodie Foster the first time I saw the movie...hahaha! I suppose the best thing about seeing the movie the second time is that this time, it didn't actually seem that long ^.^

It's crazy how 7 years ago feels so long ago. I feel like an entirely different person. I'm not really sure whether it's actually a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose life's like this...you just keep on changing...not changing could only mean you're no longer living. We go through life wishing for things...hoping to be this and that ...thinking that once you get it or you become what you thought you need to be you'd finally be content only to find out that there'll be new things to want and new things to be...then you go through yet another quest. The thing with me is that it seems like I've been moving from one quest to another without really finding what I need to find. I guess that makes me kinda like Mario on Mario Bros...always completing each level (of course except the last one) a few seconds too late. It feels like I'm always given a glimpse of what I can have only to end up still not getting it. Though it's kinda pathetic how I'm comparing myself to Mario (shouldn't I be the Princess???) I suppose I should know better...that in each quest there are things to learn...that after each level Mario gains new powers...that each time it seems like he's about to run out of life a green mushroom is strategically placed where he needs it the most...and in the end he kills the dragon and saves the princess. I guess I can pitch this idea to Nintendo...a girl power version of Mario Bros. where Princess Peach gets to save Mario and Luigi from Koopa :P

Imma be....

After listening to a new Christian band I encountered, my desire to learn how to play the cello came back. Two years ago, I planned on buying a cello and learning how to play it, however I opted to get a DSLR instead :P. Now, the urge is back. A friend of mine has been bugging me as to when I'll finally buy a cello 'cause a friend of his is volunteering to give me lessons...so now all I really need to fulfill my dream is to get a cello :POf course, I'm not sure whether I'll ever learn how to play it but at least I would like to try. Perhaps I can try and get lessons first...try and get a feel of the instrument and see whether it's for me...if it is then I'm definitely gonna have to get myself a cello.


Aside from getting a cello and learning how to play it, there are just so many things I want to do right now. Methinks I gotta plan my life and figure out how I'm gonna be able to do all these things ^.^ and perhaps more importantly...I gotta work harder to earn enough to fulfill these dreams *^.^*

buy a cello and learn to play it

buy a bike and learn how to ride it

learn to speak French

write some songs

visit Cambodia

visit South Korea

learn to be lonely

One thing I love about having this new blog is the thought that none of my friends and family know about its existence...well unless stalking runs in my family and some of my friends love me so much that they google me to check whether I have other blogs...I'd be totally flattered if that's the case...hehehe!

I miss writing without having to edit myself for fear of being misunderstood or judged by the people who know me. I like that I can be brutally honest about what I think and how I feel...so I will be...

I regularly use the "message from God" app on FB. I know...instead of relying on an app that randomly picks a message that God's supposed to relay to me daily I should spend my time reading His word....sometimes it's reassuring to get those messages. Well today it said that God wants to remind me that I'm never alone. It's so ironic how getting that message made me feel more alone. I know..I'm sure it's the enemy trying to mess with me...making me think I'm alone...but he ain't gonna fool me. I know for a fact that I'm never alone. I've never been alone and never will be alone because God has always got my back...but there are those special times when it can get to me.

These past few days, my sisters and I have been talking about the future and how we need to secure our parents' future in their old age...it has got me thinking. What about me? What's gonna happen to me in the future. My elder sister has her own family...my baby sis has hers too...how about me? What's gonna happen to me? I know...it's not good to be so fatalistic about this...I should have more faith that God has my future on His mind...but I can't help but think about it.

I used to be idealistic. In the past...though I've never really experienced what it's like to have someone who loves me I've always believed that I will experience it in the future. I believed that the time will come...with the right person...and the meeting will be magical, the relationship, more so...but now I'm more realistic. I know that life is no fairy tale...that even the best looking and nicest person may get his/her heart broken...that even the right person may do you wrong. I know that in this world there are those who never find love...and there's a possibility that I'm gonna be one of them. I may never have a husband...kids...grand kids...I may have to live alone all my life.

Could this be why God made me this tough? It's because He's thinking I'm better off alone? I know I won't have the answer now. I have to admit that as time passes by I'm getting more convinced that I'm right...that there is no one in this world who's capable of loving me..that my sole purpose in life is to just give all I can without expecting anything in return...that I'm gonna have to stop looking for help from others because no one is coming....I'm gonna have to take care of myself. I know I should know better and trust that God knows what's best...but there are days when it's just hard to believe that...

an open letter

Dear You,

How are you? It's kinda hard to tell how you're doing lately. I used to read you well, but now it's not that easy. It's either you've gotten better at hiding your feelings or I've become less sensitive when it comes to you.

I think it's interesting how we've changed...how from friends we've become strangers only to go back to being acquaintances. It's weird...it's like we're going in circles.

Lately I've been wondering whether I still love you. I've been trying to convince myself that I don't love you anymore and that couldn't care less about you, but who am I fooling? The thing is I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. Perhaps not the way I used to...perhaps I no longer drive myself crazy thinking about you and whether you would love me back...but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you. I supposed I've actually learned to love you even more to the point that I no longer care whether you will ever love me back.

I know things will never turn out to be how I thought it would...but I hope you know that I'll always have your back.

lazy Thursday

Magkailaw man madilim pa rin
magkailaw man madilim pa rin kung wala na, kung wala ka- Kandila (Sugarfree)

These lines have been playing over and over in my head. It's interesting how their songs bring back memories...even those that never really existed hahaha! It's interesting how they evoke all these emotions...these pains of break-ups (that I've never really had before) and the thrill of new found loves. I suppose that's a sign of a good song writer...one who has the ability to make the listeners feel as if the song they're listening to was about them and was written especially for them...hehehe!

It's been a while since I last wrote about my heart. I have to admit that even I do not really know what's going on with my heart. I haven't been feeling much lately. I suppose it's a good thing...life is usually less complicated when I feel less...less complications=less crazy moments *^.^*

Well feeling less doesn't mean I've gone heartless. I'm pretty sure I'm still the same girl who is usually all heart...I suppose my heart has just found a way to be finally be in sync with my brain. I know there's something wonderful out there waiting for me...or should I say...there's "someone" wonderful out there waiting for me, but I've made up my mind that I'll only give my heart to someone who loves me more than I love him. I remember telling a friend of mine before that I would rather be with someone who may not love me much but I'm deeply in love with than be with someone who may love me immensely but I'm not deeply in love with...well I've changed my mind. I'm special and I deserve only the best. I won't be giving my heart away just to anybody...he's gonna have to earn it.

Sugar(free) High

I have been meaning to write an entry but I've been too exhausted to actually articulate what I want to write about...but now after 2 consecutive nights of undisturbed and peaceful 8 hour slumbers, I am now ready to write...I think :P

Last weekend, we successfully pulled off our instant Post-Vday concert. Our initial objective was to make everybody feel loved and I think we were successful in doing that. A few days before the event I told myself that it would be the last time I'll volunteer to do something like that...perhaps next year...I'll be taking those words back :P

Early last month I remember talking to someone on facebook about which of Sugarfree's farewell bar gigs will I go to. I said I wouldn't want to watch them with the yuppies in Makati or the conyo kids along Katipunan. I said I wanted to watch them with the "iskolars ng bayan." Well, I was never meant to watch them with the yuppies in Makati...nor with the "iskolars ng bayan" at the Sunken Garden...I was meant to watch them with all of their fans...the yuppies and scholars alike...the "conyos" and "jologs"...young and and not so young...under the pouring rain in Eastwood. I was meant to have a cool story about how I ended up soaking wet for jumping up and down while singing to Sugarfree's songs at the top of my lungs...in the freakin' rain. I may have not heard all of the songs that they played because I was stuck at work until 10:45...but I heard the ones that have defined them as a band...I heard parts of Hari ng Sablay, I heard Unang Araw, Kwarto, Mariposa, Tulog Na and Burnout. I admit that I regret passing up on all those opportunities that came my way to watch them perform in the past...but I am really grateful that I was given the chance to say goodbye to them last night...Paalam Sugarfree at salamat sa Musika.   

another love song

They don't write songs like this anymore. This song makes want to sit by the window, with a cup of coffee or hot choco and emote hehehe :P

Friday I'm in Love

One of my favorite memories...singing this with you in the car while driving to Manila *sighs*

you're so vain, you probably think this entry's about you....

I miss those days when women are the only ones who are concerned about their waistlines. I am baffled by men who express their aim to lose inches around their waist. In the past, men work out to develop their muscles. They lift weights to have guns on their arms and to puff up their chests but never to achieve an hour glass figure...or if they did, they would never have blurted it out loud. I'm all for health and wellness but for a man to do it because Summer is fast approaching is just disturbing. What's scarier is that if they're now that vain and that concerned about their own figures how much more critical would they be of a woman's figure?


Early this year I had initially planned to go back to running, however, it hasn't been easy to drag myself out of bed in the morning. Let's see whether I'll finally be able to do it next week. Wish me luck!

too hot to handle

I don't think it's very obvious that I'm enjoying my new home. It's been a long time since I last wrote journal entries, three days in a row. I hope I can keep this up for a long time.

I mentioned in my previous entries that I intend to write about new things in here, however, I think I need to let the old things out first before I can successfully move on to new things. 

I think it's funny and kinda pathetic how I'm still convinced that although your apathy has left my heart broken several times these past couple of years, I am still convinced that you love me. I am also convinced that what's stopping you from letting it out is the fear of what other people would say about me. I'm not sure whether I'm flattering myself too much but I actually think that there are people who've already expressed their disapproval of the idea of "us." You know what sucks...these people claim to be my friends, even sisters, and that they're after our interest...but I just don't like being talked about behind my back. If there's something they want to know about me...they better ask me straight.

I don't blame you...I know I'm hard to handle...perhaps in the future...when you're strong enough and wise enough...maybe you'll be brave enough to take me...

har har har

You know what I think would be funny? It's when realize I that it is I who is driving you mad :P 'Won't be surprised though...

confession

I believe that the same time, last year, I was doing the exact same thing...obsessing over a Valentine's event I volunteered to organize for our church. I have to say I feel exactly the same way I felt then...I'm now in panic. A number of performers fell ill this past weekend, we're not sure whether people are actually interested in participating, as of now, everything that will happen, the different parts of the program are still in my head and I'm not quite sure as to how I will be able to articulate them and whether we will be able to pull them off...I know, I brought this to myself. This is what I get for being overeager. Please remind me to care less about Valentine's month next year.

I have to admit that two other reasons why I started this new blog is because I need a new hideout, since most of my friends, even family, already know about my other blogs, I need a new safe place. Another reason is that the green-eyed monster in me was awakened after stumbling upon the blog of the girl that the guy I like likes *sighs* I know, it's so juvenile...kinda pathetic for a woman in her 30's to react like this :P Don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to compete for attention, I think I've reached a point when it's already crystal clear to me that nothing will ever happen between me and that guy. I know that perhaps I'll always love him but not because I want to end up with him but simply because he's my brother (not blood brother I should specify.). I suppose I just want to start anew...start a blog where I'll no longer be writing about waiting for him to come to his senses...instead I can start a new blog where I'll be writing about myself, coming to my senses.

One thought that has been hovering above my head these past few weeks is that I need to learn to live with loneliness. There I finally said it. I have been trying not to say it for fear that saying it will make it real...but I have to get real. I have to recognize the fact that my family will not always be around for me...that although I still have hopes in finding someone who'll be my partner in life there is also the possibility that I may not find him...or perhaps if I do find him I'll eventually lose him...and in the end I'll once again find myself alone. I suppose it would be a good idea for me to learn how to live with the person I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life...myself:P

just moved in...

So this is my nth blog...I can compare my constant urge to start a new blog to my constant urge to start journals in different notebooks even if I haven't used up all their pages. There's something about starting on a clean slate. Well that doesn't mean I'm doing the same thing with my life...I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be writing about the same old things...but I suppose writing about them on a new blog would give me the illusion of growth and progress...hehehe! And besides, I suppose starting a new blog would be more eco-friendly than starting a new journal on a new notebook so I don't see anything wrong about starting this new blog :P

So I welcome myself and whoever has managed to find my new home in this world wide web :D